Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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