There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
