i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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