I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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