I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
