So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
