there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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