My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
