i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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