i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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