she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize