My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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