Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
