i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
