Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
either way he was missing a nipple.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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