Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
