I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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