I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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