I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
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