When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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