I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I am naked and annoyed.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
