hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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