That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
