How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
