last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
