Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
