I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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