I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
