Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
