i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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