I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
