he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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