absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
