Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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