I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
