Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
