even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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