every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The air taste purple.
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