Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
