wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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