obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
