you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
