Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Oh god it's open bar.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
