Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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