No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
