New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
