I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
