btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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