at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
