he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
