i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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