I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
