we have pet lesbian snakes
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze