She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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