she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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