dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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