If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
