Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
