Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
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