Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You are a genius and a whore.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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