I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
