just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
