I will die if light touches me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
